Now I can say it.

Today is August 19th, 2005. My parents put their dog to sleep this afternoon. It was time, she would have starved herself anyway. She quit eating yesterday and quit drinking this morning. My mother had to choose between the needle and watching her waste away and dehydrate. I don't know what I would have done, I have two dogs of my own.

My mother called her Cindy because she had great big eyes like Cindy Lou Who from How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I called her Emily because she looked like an Emily to me. I've known her for 15 years. I feel like crying. It's been a hard day.

Tomorrow another person I've known for 15 years is having a birthday party to which most of the people I've know for that 15 years will be attending and to which I was not invited. I get accused of a lot of things, but I don't really know why I've not been asked to go. I hear I turned into an asshole in the last year. I thought I got better. It's odd to me because none of these people have called to say hello for most of this time. I've been to the things important to them. I told them I love them. I still do. None of you can change that.

I made some effort to keep things together. I said all the angry and kind things that you say to friends. I didn't ask any one of them for anything. I called and invited them to things. One by one you all stopped calling. Every so often it gets back to me that I'm not understanding or open. That I don't let people have their opinions. I disagree, I never corrected any one of you when you said things I don't believe are true about me. I never stopped any of you from hating each other or me. I allowed everyone to say crappy things about each other and myself. I respect all of your opinions. Even those that hurt me.

I hear that I keep opening wounds. Listen, I can count on one hand the friends I have left, so I know where you hear it. I love those people, too, even though they're hurting me, also.

I do, you know. Keep opening wounds, but not yours. I don't talk to you. I've let you all go away without fighting it. If you think I'm turning into something you're right, but it's mostly because y'all just kinda faded out. I'm getting sad.

None of you have any idea how it looks from in here. I guess that's fine. The point is I didn't think this way of you. I never would have thought that you guys would turn on me so fast. I don't know what I did, but I'm sure everyone has their stories. I guess Cindy going punctuated this all nicely. Those were the last 15 years of my life and it was damned good up til the end. But I guess it wouldn't end if it stayed good. Either way. That was that. You learn.

Sometimes things you care about die. You can fight it. You can say it hurts. You can ask for it to stop. You can hope they'll all come back. Then, after everyone tells you that you're wrong and a great big baby for missing them, you grieve. And one day I'll move on. For now I'm just in a lot of pain and very surprised at the way everyone told me how easy I am to forget.

I'll say it one more time, I love all of you. None of you can do anything about it and I don't need to be anywhere near you to do it.


Zinnia Cyclamen said...

I just got here (after jumping through those hoops, from the other side of the pond... ribbit, ribbit). You know how it is in gardens? Old stuff has to die, or be pulled up, to let the new stuff grow. Seems to me the principle is the same with humans. Unfortunately it's more painful for humans than for plants (I know some people would argue this point. They're welcome to).

The only other thing I have to say is: I loved the form comments, but there's one you left out. It's a variation on the theme of 'Great blog, I'm really looking forward to reading your archives' (aka 'I'm out of here and I'm never coming back').

Kat said...

Sorry to hear about your mom's dog. It's so sad our pets can't stay with us longer. Sometimes they are better friend than the two-legged kind.

Anonymous said...

where are you?

Rae Ann said...

It's a rare friend who sticks with us through our worst times. Those are the ones that love us even when we might not 'deserve' it. But you do deserve it!

Mary said...

I highly doubt you're easy to forget, Kevin.

I agree with Zinnia's idea, that there are just seasons for growth and seasons for things to die so new things can come up. It's just nature. In any case, you're right: the love you have for others is untouchably yours. It's just natural. And it's also natural to want to hold onto it even when we're not sure what they think of us. That's ok. Hold on.

Sorry to hear about your parents' dog. I think it's sweet how you and your mom called her by different names but loved her the same.