2.11.05

What I believe. (self important bullshit)

The last of the relationships I had before Bucket was a whirlwind. It stopped aching in great part due to the salve of Cheryl's attentions, but at the time it was a bitch. I bring it up because it came in my head as a parable of sorts.

See, she left me because she really wanted to. I think she loved me and all, but I think I was an impossible prick and made that love thing unlikely. I deserved to be left. I had all these crazy expectations of relationships. I had some fucked up conviction that we had to agree on things. I wanted everything and I wanted it immediately. I was intense and irritable and as immature as my dogs. About as self aware, at that. Long story short,

No one changes any one. You either take them for what they are or you move on. If at some point that one you care for gets closer to agreement with you, cool, but if not you can't bend 'em to fit. Love them how they are. That's all life is for, loving those around to be loved.

It's just never on your terms.

Fuck winning and losing. Fuck getting your way. Fuck control. All you can do is love on your part and hope for the same and be man enough (or woman enough) to get the fuck back on your feet when you're dissapointed. You'll always be dissapointed. That's just a part of life.

Here's what I "know":

If there's a god out there I'm sure he's saddled with bigger problems than me. If there's even a personality associated with the god head or the demiurge or the higher power wherever you find it, don't expect that thing to give a shit about you or solve your problems.

No one owes you anything. Even if you gae somebody something-you gave it. If it was a loan or investment, especially in terms of love, it was venture capital whether you like it or not.

Short of chemical imbalances, you pretty much decide how you're gonna feel or how things are gonna touch you.

You have control of almost nothing.

Most folks haven't evolved beyond stealing what they need.

Death, spiritual or otherwise, is in large part your own choice.

I have no clue what I'm talking about.

Cigarettes contain Vitamins C, D, B12 and riboflavin.

You can believe any damn thing you want. No one can stop you.

You really don't need to share these things very often.

If there is a god, most of his followers are annoying and need to think about the other things he made and shut the fuck up about him because

no body really changes anybody's mind.

The television is watching you as you're watching it. You can communicate with it if you try, but really only the commercials. The shows are so self involved, but the commercials are there for you. They can make you feel special if you let them. They are the only things on that consistantly address you personally. They care about your clean kitchen and your herpes. When you're lonely let them in.


That's about it.

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