27.12.06

End of Year Round Up 2006.

I don't get political often. I have been thinking of the politics of life, however, and wanted to just get a couple of things out. Not all political and not sorted in any way, shape or word:

1. George Walker Bush will be remembered as our worst president. So far. If another direct attack happens on this soil with that man in office I look forward to a military state and a complete collapse of civil rights. I know that it's liberal to defend them these days, but it's one of the only things I'm not ashamed of in this country today. I imagine the wartime measures will be sold gracefully and his "strength" will be embraced. His popularity will soar and we'll give him all the power he wants. I also believe that this administration could very well orchestrate it. They possess the need for popularity, the greed for power and the moral vacuum that would permit it.

2. I don't have a ton of faith in people. Some of them are noble in a crisis and some petty, but life isn't a movie and most of the time there are no crisis' defining us. Instead we are a vapid, boring bunch who get bored of our own bland taste and artlessly gnaw on each other for laughs. We will not hold even ourselves accountable and instead cling desperately to the conviction that these faults are predestined, programmed, immutable and ethereal. Either DNA or some complete surrender to "addiction" or god's will explains these things we refuse to own. Look, I don't care what you believe in, just don't use it to excuse yourself or relinquish responsibility.

If we have failed then it is our fault. If we are unhappy then it is our fault. I'm not saying that circumstance is never adverse, I'm saying in the end we are accountable, no one else. And I mean this in a very direct, laser beam way, if something hurts, move away from it-you will not; you can not-change anything save yourself.

3. Love comes with expectations. I get that. I own that. I'm not pointing this anywhere but at myself and if more is read into that I have no sympathy. I will say it again: Love comes with expectations. It must, by definition, not leave me poorer or static. I am remembering, I am chanting and I will completely believe this until it shines from every pore of every inch of my skin.

4. I have not been as selfless as I wish to be. I have tried and I have failed and I will be better at hearing everything and everyone. Not next year; NOW. When things continue to mock me from just past my reach and when these things that we carry overwhelm, when this life reminds me in the harshest ways that I have no control of anything but myself-I can still learn. I can still stand here and support those around me, whether I like it or not.

5. What seperates good from great is Focus. And mine sucks.

First infallible technique; then await inspiration.

6. I'm alright with myself. I still have this complex that I'm not understood, but I'm not likely to be. A few get it and if I haven't come to terms with that by now-that's my fault, too. I'm hard and I'm not sympathetic. I don't suffer whining and I detest weakness-bowing to any system, allowing your life to get away from you, not living to potential. I'm a drunk. I'm thoughtless and I'm demanding. I'm sometimes very far away. I'm cocky and I think I have an enormous amount to offer and a certain entitlement to get these insides out. But I'm also very much in love with those I love-not as extentions of me but as unique contributers to my experience and as stories I'll never fully understand, as mysteries. If I show it poorly I somehow hope you've caught some by now. All of you. I give out the things I have to give. They are not what I want them to be, but I'm working on that. I'm ashamed if they're poor gifts. All of those rotten things above have something to do with my demands of myself and my desire to galvanize these gifts into things worth showing and giving.

Some of you recognize the way I show love and some of you hate me, either way I can do whatever I want and I can love who I want and anyway I want.

No one can stop me.

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