7.12.06

"if I took all the girls I knew when I was single"

I get lonely. Yep, tonight I'm lonely. Lonely because my health always sucks and I can't always go out and play with the other kids. Lonely because I make some decisions that put ideas and standards in front of people. And I'm rigid with this; too much so. I want things to be a certain way, not in a defined "it must be this" manner, but that these things must remain true to their intention.

If I have an opinion about a thing I created it's a dictation. In the past I've been told that songs I wrote I have no right to. And now I don't care for where some have gone to and I can't say it anymore. If I say anything I'm wrong and not democratic. So they get away from me and I watch them and all the hopes I had for these kids when they grew up kind of slips into places I never hoped they'd go. So I stand by and watch them get unruly and say things they were never meant to, and love for the people I trust them with makes me mute. But wherever these things end up, I know where I meant for them to go.

My opinion of their worth is rigid. My opinion of what's best for them is rigid. I can't explain it or ask anyone to care for them the way I do; I can't say what I want for them and I can't stand this sunken hope as they get dissected by fine, fine doctors who don't know the words, what they mean to me and who stare at them for months without knowing them at all. Who play with them before they take the time to understand what they want to do.

Let's not talk about the lonely songs we never get to. Those mute things sing in me and Matt. They want to be heard, but everyone's too busy arguing about what's best for them to let them speak.

And it's lonely. It's lonely to be powerless; to chose to be powerless where they go. It's lonely to feel like if they were loved they would be learned. It's lonely to want something different but be an asshole for that desire.

Do parents feel this way?

It's lonely to scroll through your phone book and look at the names of people you used to call in the middle of the night when this sickness sets in. Some of them got married or go to bed earlier than they used to and some are just not there anymore. I used to be someone who was never alone, even when I felt that way. I just call up the same friends for a drink and doubt their regard.

Doubt is always a tumor. I don't really even feel comfortable with what I know how to do, if it's good enough. If these songs I keep singing can even stand on their own. I'm proud of them, but mothers never see how ugly their children are. Even those I've trusted with their keeping don't want to understand them. I'm certain even these feelings will seperate me somehow.

Not these feelings; it's the saying them.

But there's no one to tell it to tonight.

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