25.3.07

doubt.

I've promised things here, haven't I? But I don't usually deliver on time or at all, but it's late and I'm sick and I can't sleep and I thought I'd share this despair that you can only fully realize from confessions and illness.

And it's been a few months of non stop action in the being hard and honest department. I think of a Jon Brion song that says "I didn't lie, but I withheld the truth, and I don't wanna make the same mistakes with you." If anyone has Meaningless and would burn it for me I'd say thanks so much it would make you uncomfortable. Amazing disc.

I'm getting away from myself. Always. I find myself moving away from so many things and wondering why I am so rigid about so much and how it changes, but too late and only for a time.

I'm watching this family I just found slip away and I'm letting it happen. I'm still keeping up with my dad, but missed it this weekend being ill. The rest down south came and we got along and my sister thought we should keep in touch-me? If they wanna go then go. We change but only in increments. We change under stress and in crisis, but I've said it a lot, we don't live in crisis and therefore we can't count on that to define us. We are who we are when it's boring and there's nothing in it for us. No love, no glory, no cash.

If I'm right about that, I'm a guy who writes songs. I wouldn't mind the love cash and glory, but I'll write no matter what. I'm very solitary and I I love not only my solitude, but that which loves my solitude. That which allows it and softens it.

We fall into the enablers of our vices, don't we?

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