30.4.07

je ne sais quoi.

I'm swallowing rusty thumbtacks and coughing dry earthquakes that make blind spots and black spots relief carve on my eye balls. I'm starting to think that being well is the abnormality for me. I have to face the notion that I'm sickly.

I didn't used to be and I hope I'm bearing it with none of the regret of a history of some strong constitution. I imagine a lot of it's related to my father's passing and the way I handle all of that stress. I hate the word, I feel it imperitive to define it so I don't sound like a pussy.

It's the midwestern in me, I hope. The guy who's a little proud of the bad back I earned and who really only feels good after working hard. the guy who's always been ashamed to be a musician, song writer and now, office employee. Like this is a softness. I wrote Tanner about weakness today. I hope that carried. I think I look like I hate softness when I actually hate weakness. Kindness when it isn't political, self-serving or cowardly is amazing.

Which brings me to why I'm writing tonight. I usually get a song out and shut up for a bit. I rest all proud and fulfilled. I'm gonna call that weakness and keep my promise to write and practice every day. To get in some physicall exercise and to continue to be proud of my bad back and useless work ethic.

I'm a lazy man, but I have amazing will power when I need it. I can make myself do (or not do) anything I need.

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