Evening falls all sacred around here. Like some kind of truce and I'm a little worn from holding so much down. Matt told me to be fearless, but it's most of what I know these days.

The bare floor of this is a ridiculous pull toward that which is no damn good. I've turned into a 17 year old girl and I'm not so sure how to be alone and I'm sick of the idea of dating or even spending time with some damn girl.

They tend toward silly or just incompatible with some one as neurotic and strange as I am. I don't want to have this talk and I sure don't want to be all exposed like this. I'm vacillating between wanting to fuck and being terrified to get naked in front of some stranger for the first time again.

I'm fighting the urge to tear some girl up and let her do it to me. I used to be able to start the conversation. I think I'm just gonna lean hard into this paralysis.

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