Can't seem to get out tonight. Think I should, this staying home does nothing for my building an army.
There's just lots today and I doubt I'll get most of it, but I've got some Diet Pepsi and I've got a couple packs of smokes and I think I'm gonna give it the ol' college try. Funny, kinda-I didn't really try at college.
First and most tremendous in my mind is this. All the time I wasn't sleeping today, or looking for a second job or watching a bad movie or grocery shopping went into this one, wonderful promise of what is to come. I've been divided, but I hope that here and there is all that lasts. I need to simple down and get things out. Doesn't matter any more if any one else cares, this is therapy and somehow important to me. It makes me feel less cut off and, believe me, I'm one isolated guy.
On purpose, I guess. I just need to make things and in all of that most of the time the folks around don't fit. Sucks, but I can live with it.
I hate moths. I don't get weird about spiders anymore, though I can't say I like walking through webs much, but moths are really spooky. I get a little panicky and think there's something primeval and archetypal in their presence.
Thanks Rachel Brown for the coffee maker. I had 4 perfect cups of Kona tonight after two naps and a head ache and I feel like a couple bucks now. Not a million, but you take what you get.
I would so go out if I thought I'd get kissed.
We played great last night. We were a goddamn band. It takes a lot of work, but I'm all shiny and restored with the project today. I hate playing an instrument in front of Pat. Freaks me the fuck out. I choked a little. I played better Thursday. Matt was brilliant, Chris inspired, Jay solid and Ron generous as always. This is what we can be. Hooray for us. All of it stops mattering when we get it on.
Still repulsed and drawn simultaneously to everything feminine. Makes me wanna cry a little. I wish I had a less Gemini head and heart.
Memory is a disease. I wish I had little pills that made me forget the detail and the people and just remember the lessons.
It's so easy to be moral and good when you're a cold bastard. I should define. As I age it's easier to be decent. I lack the immediacy of those ugly 20s and I'm just not tied to the outcome. I know the worst I'm gonna face is alone and I know I can handle it. I find it easier to be right and alone than full of shit and less lonely.
I wish to completely substitute the word "Journey" for the word "shit". The band, I mean. Fucking synonyms. Above, please read "full of Journey".
Back to the cold bastard thing. I don't think I am. I still think I've all passionate and sweaty, but I see it as ridiculous and a little easier to control. I don't want to be that as much as I want to be Full and Crazy.
Last night as I was unwinding some of my ideas for this site I'm so enamored with, I was accused of just wanting to be odd for its' own sake. Of choosing my words and ideas and images just to be distinct. I guess I hated that because this is what I do and how I think and the comment feels limiting and, as much as I hate defending my voice here, I'm not that distinct. I have a more Midwestern aesthetic. I get annoyed with the (seemingly) coastal phenomena of inventing some new language and filling it with obscurities and non sequiturs. Fuck that Journey. I want this to be about content and substance over style. Any consideration for style should be about clarity and nuance, not being clever. I hate clever.
It's why I hate what they keep telling me is country. Country to me will always be about art over artifice and plain spoken, direct songs. I want everything to be a song.
Steve Earle is country. Willie is country. Toby Kieth is Journey.
My browser won't let me title this. I just can't get a curser in the box. Oh, well. Call the whole thing "Journey". It don't matter whatcha call it.
You have a good night, sorry for the marathon. I just might go out and get into something.