17.7.07

today my brakes locked up on the truck and wouldn't come undone. See?

I guess the plan is to move one day. Take all of this over here, but I'm not even sure how to link up to ftp files, so it's a ways in the future. I hope to get that one day. I have a lot of plans.

Today all of my plans involve building bridges. I read here and found it profound. Just the opening definition of simple and harder bridges. You have to start with the easy and use bridge as a verb. To bridge. I keep running into obstacles and I'm looking for the crossing, some log over the river, but finding little in the way of enabling accidents. So I'm gonna learn something about bridging.

I keep talking about this big thing going on in me. I'm losing hope that it'll come out, historically these things tend to live in a very dark, unspoken world with me. I know it has something to do with my body and these bridges and some effort at preparedness for it. It folds back on itself, like a lot of me and a lot of my thoughts, but I know that it's not only existing, but dependent upon me for its creation and some how made up almost entirely of that act. It has something to do with sex and words I don't know yet. It's standing over me with a foot on my hair and the other on my heart.

See, it's hiding again.

It's that evening, again. A night where I'm seeing magic in the ordinary and feeling all the feelings behind the words I can't get out. I've talked a long time ago about the pregnant feeling.

I got a song out yesterday or the the day before. It's over here and it's done. I don't want to talk about it much except that it broke a rule with me about distance and staying out of my life. I had a hard time getting the lies in there and that distresses me. I hate being confessional. I feel weak and I know it's a short road. I'm just not interesting enough to write about myself and it's a rule I made up and then broke.

I do that a lot.

I mentioned the boundaries of my abilities and my sentience and my emotional capacity and my mental fitness. I'm at that wall again tonight. I'm very frustrated at not being smart enough to label this or study it like the philosopher with his shelves for all the schools of thought and movements. I'm angry that I'm just not enough to say something that feels so big. So obvious. So Shinto in scope and so oceanic in mass. I hate my height internally, as well.

This post was supposed to start out "there's a moat between all of us" and was supposed to end with "I love you". In between was the bridge part, but I'm gonna let you fill it in.

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