19.9.07

The Big Two.

Spent some time over there.

It's just so frustrating because there's something I'm trying to say with it and it's such a slow vision. I am very not a visual person. I don't know what I am. I'm finding out new things about me everyday. I guess I like that I'm still surprising myself at my age.

Not the point. The point is that you have to hold your definition of yourself pretty loosely if you intend to get anywhere. If I believe that I am this and that's all, I'm always going to be that. It's just like yesterday and the consuming mantra in my head I had of being sharpened. It's odd to have spent all day yesterday defining myself and then today trying to let go of it.

All the time I keep in mind what I want to be and subtract anything that doesn't fit. Part of what I want to be is open; I need it for the big two things I want. I have them secured in my head, and oddly, it's what I always knew, hell I even said it before, but after a day of running my fingers over these things like a blind man, they dance.

I keep hearing that I need to be singular. I hope I can serve two if they get along; if they have the symbiosis that makes the world tic. If there's a synchronicity and a rhythm. If they can both be a part of a whole and wrap themselves around each other.

One of the things I want to be is a writer. A fucking good one.

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