26.9.07

Vomit.

Alright. Enough with the memoirs and my criticism of them. No one cares about this any more than they did when I used to draw faces on my stomach so it looked like my belly button was whistling. No one even cares as much as they pretended to when I shared my one endeavor at Rock Opera with the suite of songs about cows in world mythology strung together with awkward recitative about the historicity of Christ. I doubt you even care as much as people said they did when I discussed my desire to build an adult sized "sit and spin" with a cocktail centrifuge in the center (which was actually a vehicle for my business plan to sell plastic tarps) or the phone that hung up louder on the opposite end so that people would know you were pissed and not just done with the conversation......

More seriously, I guess I've not really said it in a while, but I don't understand expectation. I'm struggling with myself and I have been for a few months or better. I'm not really sure what I can do without upsetting people. I realize I'm a difficult bastard. I'm apologetic.

I guess there's parts of life I've withdrawn from. There was things I got upset about and bitched about. I just don't want to be an upset, bitchy guy. I have things I want to do with my life. None of them important, but they're pretty big to me. I'm finding these desires out of line with loved ones quite a bit more often than I'd wished, but that doesn't make anyone bad. I'm seeking to understand what the people I love want and support them. If that's just not what I want, it still makes all of us really great people. There's things the people I love care about and I know I'm not really great at being supportive of those, but I think I've tried to be there. I know it's not enough. I am not going to stop trying. Understand, please that the things that aren't maybe on my list of things to accomplish are going to be unpracticed. I spend an enormous amount of time practicing for work, for the things I love, for love, for music and I'm just not good at them yet. I'm willing to try. I really am. I just need time and every so often I get panicked and wonder where I'll find the time for the things closest to me and that I want to be great at. I feel over obligated. I'm sure I'm unfair and over reacting and I'd like to learn how to deal with these things, too.

I'm trying to learn how to deal with a lot. I've lost a lot this year. I think it's something of a compliment that no one is pandering or over kind about it. I hope I'm dealing well. I miss my father and I never thought I would. I'm trying to keep my house in the face of way too much irresponsibility on my part financially for way too long. I was betrayed pretty fundamentally and I really want to kill the part of me that finds it hurtful. I don't want to carry it into the next relationship. I do to an extent, but I'm trying. A few years ago my house got broken into. It's happened before but not to a place I chose and owned and wanted. I still-two years later-everyday have a short, deep bee sting of some intense worry that I'll come home to find the door kicked in and the dog gone. I'm stressed at work some times and I really, fucking sincerely care about how I do and how I'm respected there. I have a lot to do to keep the house going and the money managed and I'm kinda alone on a lot of it, though I know how many folks would help if I knew how to ask.

It's been a bitch. I'm treading and I'm trying very hard not to blame anyone else or take it out on any one. I'm not drowning, y'all, just waving, but please don't get upset when I go under a little.

This was really supposed to be about Justin Timberlake and how little I respect the little ass-cock and his sorry attempts at music, but you got this. He is a good dancer.

I don't want to be a selfish guy, either, though I know I am sometimes. I try to give my time to everyone and I hope you know how much that means to me and what that says about my love for you. Time is not cheap these days for me. I don't think it looks like it, but I don't save a lot of time for myself and sometimes I need it. I have a hard time asking and I feel all the time like I'm failing everyone. Believe me that goes well beyond anyone who knows that this is here. Sometimes, I don't have the emotional resources to be failing anyone. Right now, I can't take that.

So back to expectation and sorry this is a Russian novel. I have some, you have some, they don't always line up. All I have to offer is support in any way I can, with any reserve I have. Let me know how to do that. Please make those expectations as clear to me as you can and I'll be as open about what I have to give as I can. If you ask, I'll tell you what I want, but I wont likely volunteer it.

I feel like it disappoints.

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