I want to be asleep.

Apparently I'm not. And I know that my memory is swiss cheese. I know I can't hear and I know that I'm no prize.

But I guess I was alone for that, too.

I'm just astonished how much I was alone for and how entirely I can convince myself I wasn't. I would like some things back and I would like to have had a few vacations and a different childhood. I'd like to have been kinder and more of a participant.

I don't join well. I never have. I have entire, elaborate memories that I remember with people as a kid and I always find out later I was alone. There's something very wrong with me and it really hurts like hell tonight.

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