4.12.07

Shorthand for "I'm not buying gifts this year" or "Bah Humbug"

Christmas time is here and I truly wish that meant something to me.

But it doesn't.

I always seem to find the scrooge post around this time as I anticipate the happy shoppers looking for the perfect pay-off on some emotional extortion. "I loved you, I failed you, I met you, I had incredible experiences with you throughout the year-let's us put a dollar value on it now."

You know, I never have had a lot of money. through most of life it was kinda selfish, I was chasing that there dream o' mine. I know, childish. I have felt mostly ashamed of the whole be-a-musician thing most of my adult life. Not enough to stop. Which I won't. Ever. But aware nevertheless that it is sort of the stuff of an internal dream life that always paired with childhood in my head. I'm not sad for it, but I did wreck my credit over that dream and it did take some pretty serious growing up to make having money a priority. I still think of debt as owing someone and not some abstract borrowing money, so it remains shameful.

Enough about the money. I have a little and the house is in my name and I never thought I'd get this far. I'm proud of it. I don't owe anyone anymore and we'll leave it at that. The point I'm approaching is that money now means a little more. It's a means and for that I'm conservative. I resent the idea of pissing some of it away to tell you I love you when I could be saving it to show you. Dig? I can fetch some bauble or some kindness to let you know that the things you want are important to me-and I would like to. I could go into debt trying to let you know the wing span of my affection. I could. I could owe some one money to somehow let you know that I've been paying attention to what you want.

Somehow that's incomplete to me. If I failed to let you know that all year I can't make this better with a thing. I know it.

And why are we defined; how are we somehow composed of the items that we want? Does any of this really matter? I only want one thing for Christmas. I want everyone to do something with their time or their money that shows me you care about me. The way you do that is to go buy a CD you want and let it move you. Buy a book you've been curious about and let it teach you. Something like that. Come back to me and tell me what you got out of it.

I don't need anything. I'm almost perfectly happy. I have all of you. Make yourself a little better and let's go out and shoot the shit about it.

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