25.2.08

Maybe it's indigestion.

I don wanna take a picture tonight and my finger hurts too much to practice. I sprained it years ago and on these wet, cold nights it just aches. My usual 6 or 7 finger typing technique is down to three and the wpm lower. And the error rate much higher. This is taking so damn much I doubt I'll say a lot here at all.

Not that I ever do. But, you know, there has been something stirring. Some part of me that just may have something to say one day in the next little while. It's coming in spasms and pangs, but it is coming. The other day I recorded a simple phrase on the voice notes of the phone. I do that a lot. This one was a little untouchable. It said: "There's a world full of very awkward people."

Nope. Not profound at all, but the small ah-has that shape me never are. I think a second finger is starting to throb. This post is dying of blood loss.

"There's a world full of very awkward people." And there is. Every so often something scarily similar to maturity makes me stop a minute and forget who I am. It's big to me. I get so stupid and arrogant in the face of these things I can't be quite convinced I didn't invent. One of those is the notion, old as carbon, that I'm all alone in this big damn world. I think so all the time. I tell Jenny that she doesn't understand. But she does. I tell the story to everyone like I'm telling a two year old-too detailed, much too simply and describing it in slightly different ways far too often-but everyone feels this. I'm awkward. I am. Socially, I'm a fart. I stink like hell and stand out like the color red. But there's a lot of us.

I blame them, sometimes, I say "I can't talk to that guy" and crap like that. I just can't get it out. Sounds like he can't either. It's no ones fault. It just is.

So there's a whole world of us and most of them have it worse than me. I have some of the tools to say some things, and not everyone does. Some people are made mute by some dominant emotion. Some folks are just so contained. Some times I am, but I meet these people where insular is a reigning adjective. It just is.

No body made this up and I guess that makes me feel a little cooler, a little calmer and a lot wider. As if the world shrunk, either way I'm bigger in scale.

I'm just so unaccustomed to being happy. Man, I'm fighting it.

It's winning.

Oh, Make a wish. (look down)

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