25.6.09

disappointed (or careful what you ask for)

You know, for a long time i thought the Evil had everything to do with laziness. I thought it an inextricable part of the human situation, we are lazy; we are cruel because it is hard not to be. We are evil in our inactivity and because we are greedy. I'm always thinking about the problem of evil and I do not believe in capital E Evil, only the minor garbage, the banality of evil to borrow a phrase.

But I wonder sometimes how much of our cruelty is an appendage of our disappointment. I wonder how mean we would be if we didn't expect so much - people to believe what we believe, people to be kind, a night to be sacred or a feeling to last forever. We want these things and that hunger of expectation is so much larger so much of the time than our hunger for power or wealth or any of the stupid shit they write movies about.

That's another lie that we tell ourselves - that we are significant enough of a species that our evil should have a capital E or some sort of grand root.

Nope. Most of the time, we felt we were owed, we expected something. We were disappointed.

"I thought I could trust you." "I thought you'd be home" "I didn't think you could do that." "I wanted this to mean something." "I thought I deserved that." "I didn't think that you'd change." "You should want to."

Oh god, be careful what you want and who it hurts: seems whether you get it or you don't.

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